The Life And Times Of Mark Jakerson

Tom...damn that Tom!

2006-11-21T08:03:00.000-08:00

From :
Coca-Cola Support
Reply-To :
Coca-Cola Support
Sent :
November 21, 2006 8:34:43 AM
To :
markjakerson@hotmail.com
Subject :
RE: Coca-Cola Web Form

Thank you for contacting The Coca-Cola Company again, Mr. Jakerson.
We have consulted with our Risk Management Department and they are in agreement
that microwave ovens do carry a warning against the use of metal in the oven.
Based on this information, we will not be complying with your request to replace
your mother's microwave oven.
Again, we apologize for any inconvenience you may have experienced. Please
contact us again should you have additional comments or questions.
Tom
Industry and Consumer Affairs
The Coca-Cola Company

We Should All Stand Up For What We Believe In!

2006-11-15T17:07:00.000-08:00

I decided to write Tom back. Simply because of the fact that much likes all multimillion dollar corporations, they don't give a damn about the average Joe. They try to band aid every problem with a simple solution.

Dear Tom,
Thank you for your reply. I am curious to know why you do not include your last name in your email. Perhaps you have something to hide? Am I to understand that the deep pockets of the Coca-cola company can not replace my mother's microwave? Is this the final decision, or is there someone (preferably a person with a last name) whom I can contact.Thank you,Mark Jakerson

In other news, I'm joining a health club tomorrow. Yes I am actually going to do it. I think it's time I take control of my life.
A friend of a friend wants me to meet a girl he knows. I don't know if I am ready to go on another date. My recent track record has been less than impressive. What do you think I should do?

The Devil Drinks Coke

2006-11-15T17:00:00.000-08:00

November 15, 2006 5:19:39 PM
To :
markjakerson@hotmail.com
Subject :
RE: Coca-Cola Web Form

Thank you for contacting The Coca-Cola Company, Mr. Jakerson. We apologize for
any inconvenience you may have experienced.
Although the can the product is packaged in does not contain a warning in regard
to being microwaved, microwave ovens do warn against the use of metal in the
oven. These warnings would appear in the owner's manual. We are sorry to hear
of the trouble you have experienced and recommend contacting the manufacturer of
your microwave should you have further questions regarding the owner's manual.
Please contact us again in the future should you have comments or questions.
Tom
Industry and Consumer Affairs
The Coca-Cola Company

This is far from being over! Mark my words. MJ

Smoke 'em if you got 'em

2006-11-14T17:05:00.000-08:00

Britney Spears Sex Tape….sweet! Did you know that there is a sex tape of Pamela Anderson and I somewhere on the web? Well actually it's a tape of me watching the Pamela Anderson sex tape...

Today’s blog is dedicated to those who I personally know and all the others I know about from unreliable sources. It’s been a few days and I have a few things on my mind. I am going to post them in no particular order.

To the bitch that never called me back! The hell with you, go write a ticket for jaywalking.

I have yet to hear from the Coca-cola company. I’m sure their lawyers are all huddled in a room somewhere discussing how to deal with my case. Just give me a damn microwave!

My mother is not getting breast implants…I think.

I’m still fat!
I’m still balding!
I still work at Wal-Mart, but I’m thinking about quitting and actually going back to school.

I haven’t done much these last few days other than eat jerky, sit on my couch and read….ok the reading part is a lie!

I'm angy because I'm so lazy, I'm so lazy because I'm angry. I'm thinking about joing a health club.

This is the coolest thing I have ever seen. Follow this link and you’re your name in the box. It translates your name in Russian and creates a song about you. It’s pretty crazy
how accurate it works.
http://www.callme.nm.ru/

I vow to write a better blog tomorrow.

Peace Out (whatever the hell that means)
Mark

Mark Jakerson vs. Coca-cola

2006-11-12T17:58:00.000-08:00

Sun. November 12, 2006

To whom it may concern,
I am to understand that your product Coca-Cola Blāk is a coffee-flavoured soft drink. Being a fan of Greek frappé coffee (a drink in which delicious Coca-Cola is substituted for water), I was rather excited when a friend brought me a can of Coke Blāk. With tremendous anticipation, I put the newly acquired product into my family microwave to heat the beverage up. The end result being a destroyed microwave. I checked the remainder of the can and did not see any warning about microwave use and this product. Could the Coca-cola company compensate me for my loss?
Thank you for you understanding,
Mark Jakerson

The Mature of the Beast

2006-11-06T20:03:00.001-08:00

I would never write a disparaging comment on someone else’s blog. I feel that everyone has their reasons to write what they do. My blog is documenting my rather interesting life. I’m sure others have a different point of view, however I don’t care. This is my blog. If I have offended someone, well I can live with such guilt for I feel I haven’t done anything with intensions of wrongdoings.

Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding. 17:28

On a side note I am writing a letter to the coca-cola company. I feel they owe me (well actually my mother) a microwave.

Into Thin Hair

2006-11-02T20:03:00.000-08:00

But First…I have a few things to talk about today. First of all, does anyone know how to track how many people are actually looking at my posting? I know under user stats there Is a number beside profile views…is that the amount of people who have visited my blog?Second of all if you want to make a disparaging personal hit on me, bring it on! Clearly you are nothing more than a speck of human waste. You don’t have the decency to use a name, fake or real. In fact I encourage all of you complete idiots to email me personally at markjakerson@hotmail.com. You may not agree with me, but that’s because you have limited brain power, unlike myself. When I was a child (age 12) I took an IQ test and scored above average.

Now onto my actual blog…It’s a good news, bad news, good news, bad news kind of day.

Good news, the doctor rejected my mother. Apparently her age and health is an issue and there are too many risks. Thank goodness! I thought all plastic surgeons were money hungry slime, how fortunate my mother found one who is actually somewhat responsible.

Bad news, that loser cop never called me back. I called her two more times the next day and she never returned my call. So last night I left a very lengthy message telling her where she can go. How dare her, pretend to have a good time on our date and then never call me back. I think I’ll order some pizzas or something to her house this weekend.

Good news, I purchased this product, and it actually works! My bald spot has seemingly disappeared. I have two issues (other than living in my parents house) that I am really insecure about. One being my weight. I’m 5 foot 10 and closing in on 225 pounds. I have been battling weight gain for several years now. I use to weigh about 165, actually for the majority of my 20’s. However in that last few years I have put on some major weight. Last year I bought a fitness club membership, but after a rather embarrassing training session, I stropped going. The second thing I ‘m insecure about is the fact that I have no problems growing hair, that is everywhere except on my head. If I could somehow transplant the hair follicles from my shoulders and back to the top of my head, I would a beautifully lush head of hair. Now I more resemble a lion with a mane around my neck. Anyway, this product makes it look like I actually have hair!

Bad news, Coke Blak destroyed my mom’s microwave. It’s a long stupid sorry which in the interest of my fans I will summarize briefly. Because it’s a fusion between Coke and Coffee, I thought it should be heated up. I didn’t realize you are not supposed to put a can in the microwave. I didn’t leave it in there long enough that is exploded, but it did cause some burn marks and strange smell. My father and I have a lengthy argument due to my “stupidity”. His word, not mine. Nowhere on the can does it say do not microwave. I wonder if I have a case?

Cops and Bloggers

2006-10-30T18:31:00.000-08:00

The question is, how far can you take a lie? I truly believe that if you stick with it long enough, the lie actually becomes truth. Last week I met a very attractive woman at a party (that she happened to be hosting). Using my natural gift of attracting the female persuasion I talked her into giving me her phone number. Somehow in that exact conversation, she got the impression that I live on my own and am currently attending law school at a local university. She may have thought this because I perhaps eluded to these facts. I was going to call her and straighten the whole misunderstanding out however our conversation got slightly off topic. So, I went on a date with the police officer, with her still under the belief that I am a law student. We went out on Friday night, first for a very nice dinner and then to a bar. The evening went quite well, we had some drinks, a few laughs and then I drove her home. Get your mind out of the gutter, I just dropped her off at her front door. No kiss. I called her the next day to thank her for the evening, she told me she had a good time but she had to run somewhere and she’ll call me back. Well, she didn’t call me back. I called her on Sunday and left a short message on her answering machine. I called her again today to say hi. She wasn’t home, so I left another message on her machine, well I actually left two messages, one this morning and one about 15 minutes ago. I guess she’s just quite busy.
So I’m living a bit of a lie….sue me! I will tell her the truth when the timing is right. IF anyone has any advice on the subject, feel free in posting it.
Tomorrow is Halloween and my mother is going to dress up like a patient. Yes, she is going to see a doctor tomorrow about surgery options. This is actually going to happen. I spoke to my father last night about it and he still thinks she won’t go through with it. I’m not so sure, I think she just might.
Tomorrow I will be home alone giving out candy to local kids. Tuesdays my father goes to a local bar with some friends and my mother plays bingo. I’m not a big fan of Halloween. As a child I had a bad Halloween experience and it has tainted the day for me ever since. I’m not going to get much into it, but let’s just say it involves me being dressed up like Raggedy Ann for a junior high Halloween dance….that ended up not being a costume party. I received a silly nickname that year…Rags. TO this day some people still call me it, and it makes me red with anger. I’ll probably give out candy for an hour and then shut off all the lights and leave a note on the door saying we are all out.

update...or dated!

2006-10-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I'll write more....but interesting things are going down!

He is a she.....

2006-10-23T18:36:00.000-07:00

….no I didn’t just return from a trip to Thailand. I’m referring to the party I attended this weekend. Being my usual presumptuous self, when I heard the host was a police officer, I automatically assumed it was a man. The officer was in fact female! The party however was still a total bore. Not so much that I felt out of place more that it just wasn’t very interesting. Basically it was a evening full of a lot of elongated pauses between pointless conversational pieces. But here are two pieces of good news that came from the party….
(1) I didn’t leave with any of the ladies toiletries…can you dust for fingerprints when your soap has been stole?
(2) I did walk away with a phone number….the hosts number in fact!
The bad news is, she thinks I’m in Law school and I live on my own, and there is good reason for her to think that. I told her! I don’t know why I lied, I just couldn’t help myself. The conversation was flowing and I just couldn’t bring myself up to saying I lived with my mommy and daddy and I work in the clothing section of a well known department store. I’m going to call her right now and tell her the truth and see if she will still go out with me….stay tuned.
Oh in other news my mother just told my father she’s going to see a doctor about breast augmentation….and you thought your family was odd!

Swine and Cheese

2006-10-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

I don’t have a whole lot of time for my second entry. I’m off to a dinner part in less than an hour and my mother needs the computer in a few minutes. My mother has recently gotten into online poker. It’s pretty impressive the amount of money she has won thus far. Last week she played for and hour and won over $400. Half of the money went into her “self-improvement plan”. My mother is saving up to get some surgery done. I’m not going to go into great detail, but she wants to get a few wrinkles taken out and have a part of her body enlarged. Personally I’m not sure how I feel about the whole thing. After all, she’s almost 60 and she’s mother. My father seems to think she won’t go through with it, but I differ in opinion. A few days ago I heard her on the phone booking an appointment with a specialist for later next week. So we’ll see…
Tonight I’m off to a dinner party. I’m not really into the whole thing. The shin-dig is being hosted by a friend of my brother’s. I personally don’t know him, but I know he’s a police officer. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing personally against the police, it’s just I don’t trust most of them. I’ve had my fair share of argument with people in uniforms. I’m also not looking forward to the party simply because I’m not a huge fan of places with large amounts of people who I don’t know. This being mostly because I’m not one who enjoys small talk and idle chit-chat.
The last party that was graced by my presence at was a total bust. It was about three months ago. Again, it was being thrown by a friend of a friend (well actually that friend is now a former friend). There were about 40 people there and they seemed to be having a good time but then again things aren’t always what they appear, let’s face it the world is full of phonies! I ended up in the kitchen with the host. She was a woman in her mid 30s, not married, perhaps bitter about that fact. When I asked her what she did for a living our pointless banter went something like this:
“….oh that’s interesting, so what is your occupation then?” I asked.
“I actually work in horticulture”, she answered.
I paused for a moment, “so is it true what they say?”
She looked at me suspiciously, “What is that?”
“You can lead a whore-to-culture, but you can’t make her think!”
She looked at me as if I was from Mars. Then she made a petty excuse and went to attend to other people. Can you believe it? I made a brilliant joke, and because she’s dimwitted, she makes me feel like I have done something wrong. I soon after left the party, but first I made sure to steal all the soap from her bathrooms.
I hope this party goes better, or at least the policeman has good food!

I'm the world's smarttest man!

2006-10-20T16:06:00.000-07:00

Friday October 20, 2006

Well, I decided to start chronicling my life events in a blog. I originally was going to start a diary, but to be honest I like surfing the net (when I actually get a chance to use the computer). I just hope this thing doesn’t read like Go Ask Alice on acid, wait wasn’t that done on acid? Actually I never read that book, I picked it up and thumbed through some of the pages once. I’ve talked about it like I’ve read it, I do that more often than I would like to admit.
This is my first diary entry. I’ve never done anything like this before and I have no idea where I should begin I could talk about who I am and such, but maybe I’ll start off with why I decided to write a blog in the first place.
Tonight I ended my relationship with Natalie. I’m a little upset about it because she was the best looking girl I have ever dated, even though we only dated for about four weeks. I had no intentions of ending it, but our dinner conversation went south and then I lost my temper.
So there we were, eating at Susar Lee’s (a very expensive meal that I paid for I might add), and we got into a conversation about my living situation. Natalie has had a problem since day one with the fact that I still live in my parent’s house. I know, I know, I’m not proud of it, but I’m looking for a place. Plus my mother is always telling me how much she likes having me around. I guess I’m a little sensitive on the subject. She started asking me why I haven’t moved out yet, and that most men my age (31) have moved out of their houses. I don’t know, I guess in hind-sight she wasn’t laying it on as thick as I felt, but like I said before the whole thing is a rather touchy subject. I told her that I was starting to look for a new place and I thought the conversation was over. We started talking about her day at work when all of a sudden she says, “can I say one more thing without you getting mad?” I said yes, knowing very well that she is now about to say something that is going to anger me. She continues “it’s kind of a pet peeve of mine that you are always a half-an-hour late.” I was late for the dinner, for a reason that I will explain in another entry. I did apologize profusely for my tardiness when I arrived at the restaurant. What else could I have done? I was late and I said I was sorry! Why is she bringing this up now? Is she just going to use this dinner to take shots at me? It’s a f’ing expensive restaurant and I’m paying. At that point I was fuming up inside. I told her I’ll try to be more punctual. Then I asked her “If I can ask her something and she has to promise not to get mad at me?” She obliged, so I continued “are you planning on being an f’ing bitch to me throughout the dinner?” A few minutes later, I was eating alone. I feel a little upset for how it all happened, but I guess she just wasn’t the girl for me. C’est le vive! Tomorrow I’ll put my profile back on line. Now I’m out of steam and I have to open the shop early tomorrow (10 am), so I should be getting to sleep.

Now that I have had a chance to reread my first entry, I think it’s not that bad. I should have mentioned I never got to sleep with Natalie, man that would have been great. She was a bit chubby, but she had a nice rack.
K now I have to go, my mother wants to use the computer,

Those who have read this, feel free in writing me!